This post is from fellow twin parent Nina Garcia
I get it. Twins are an anomaly. By now, we twin parents have grown used to the idea of twins that it doesn’t even phase us. But to others not in the world of twins, carrying and raising two babies seems beyond belief.
When you’re a pregnant twin mom, you’re fielding comments galore. Below are 10 things I’ve heard from others that made me cringe or throw a fake smile. And at best, laugh it off hoping they didn’t mean anything bad by it.
10 things never to say to a pregnant twin mom:
#1: You’re so big!
Before I had twins, I saw another woman pregnant with twins. And yes, she was big. As in, I couldn’t imagine how much bigger she could get. Moms of multiples push the limits with how far our bellies can grow.
But please don’t tell us that. Many twin moms are already past the point of trying to look good. We don’t need to hear how big we look to the outside world.
#2: Are they natural?
No, they’re artificial creatures. Just kidding!
What people mean to ask is whether the twins were conceived through IVF or not. Again, still not an appropriate question. How we conceive is personal and nobody’s business.
#3: Did you plan to have twins?
I don’t know what people are thinking when they ask this question. I’m guessing they don’t know about twins and assume it’s something you can plan.
Short answer: No. You can’t plan twins.
(RELATED: Check out the Dad's Guide to Twins Youtube channel for additional helpful twin tips and tricks videos.)
#4: I have “Irish twins.”
“Irish twins” refers to two siblings born close together, even nine months apart. Irish twin parents sometimes associate themselves with twin moms, assuming it’s close enough.
They carried only one baby at a time, not two. As any twin mom knows, a twin pregnancy is crazy different from a singleton one. And as difficult as it is to have two babies close in age, nothing beats having two babies the same age.
#5: They’re going to cost so much.
I won’t lie. Having twins can put a huge dent on your budget. While you don’t always have to buy two of everything, the little costs add up. And let’s not forget big-ticket items like hospital bills and preschool costs. They don’t count them as one person, as much as we wish they would sometimes.
But, just like you shouldn’t tell us we’re so big, don’t tell us our twins are going to cost so much. We know.
#6: Well, at least you’re done having kids, right?
I was done having kids after my twins. But I was done having kids even before I knew they were twins. I wanted two kids and assumed my pregnancy meant a little sibling for my eldest. Now I have three and am more than done.
But others may not be quite so done. They might want to expand their family even more. Don’t assume that having twins means we’re done with kids.
#7: Can I feel your belly?
Some moms are okay with others feeling their belly, especially from friends and family. But most twin moms would rather not have someone rub their bellies. Nothing magical happens when you rub a twin belly.
(RELATED: Love podcasts? Check out the entire Dad's Guide to Twins Podcast archive for additional twin tips and interviews with twin dads.)
#8: (The look of dread all over their face)
If someone tells you they’re going to have twins, please don’t look like you just heard the worst news ever. It doesn’t make us feel good at all. We’re the ones overwhelmed with emotions, including dread. We need you to be supportive, not assume we’re going to have the hardest time.
#9: You’ll probably have a C-section.
According to the CDC, 75% of twin moms need a C-section to deliver their babies. Again, just as we know twins will cost a lot and will make us big, don’t remind us of something we already know and probably feel scared or anxious about.
#10: I’m glad I don’t have twins.
Confession: I wasn’t happy to hear I was having twins. I cried for a week when I first found out. I felt so anxious, so unprepared about a topic I knew so little of. I didn’t want to be an anomaly—I wanted to be a regular mom with nothing unusual to report.
As terrifying as the thought of having twins might be for you, please don’t share that with a pregnant twin mom. She may feel scared and uncertain. Or better yet, darn proud of having twins. Don’t announce your resistance to having twins to someone having twins.
Three years later, and I’m so, so glad I have twins. It’s hard work, especially in the beginning, but that only made me more confident as a parent. My twins are amazing brothers to one another and to their older one as well. And I have an instant bond with other twin moms and dads like we’re all in on a secret twin club.
Nothing others say will deter us from wishing the best for our twin pregnancies or how we feel about our twins. But these comments, even those well-meaning, should simply remain unsaid.
Tell me in the comments: Did anyone say these comments to you? What were some of the worst comments you heard?
About the Author
Nina Garcia is a mom to three boys: a six-year-old and three-year-old twins. She blogs about parenting at Sleeping Should Be Easy, where she writes everything she’s learning about being a mom and raising twins. Get her FREE 5-day email course, Bringing Home Twins, and learn how to survive the early weeks with newborn twins.
(RELATED: Still expecting twins? Will you be having two boys, two girls, or boy/girl twins? Answer these quick questions to see what several old wives’ tales claim you’ll be having….)
Original photo by bradfordst219
12 thoughts on “10 Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Twin Mom”
My un-favourite was and still is ” you (will) have your hands full” it leads me to over share with strangers that they are number 4 & 5.
Lol, ya my twins were an unexpected pregnancy giving us babies 7&8… We are done but Always tell ppl God has a sense of humor for sure lol
My experience was and is different. In Uganda, when you are expecting twins, everybody envies you because they are believed to bring riches to the family if they are well treated and if not, you are doomed! Very many people ask me what formula I used to get twins so that they can also get them. Some of them think that you can get twins by visiting a witchdoctor’s shrine and performing rituals. But I always tell them “They took me by surprise. I didn’t know they were coming until I got them, and I wanted 3 kids, having had 2 already, but am happy to have 4”. But that did not offend me either. When am moving with my twins I get money from people we meet. In the Buganda culture twins are believed to be gods, and if appeased, they bring wealth to you. So they give my twins money so that they can get a lot more of it. My neighbour told me that when my twins visit her very early in the morning, she makes alot of money that day. I could go on and on and on…………If I promised I’d bear a man twins, he would marry me right now and fulfil my demands. That is how valued twins are in Uganda.
@Molly – What a fascinating aspect to twins in your culture. Thanks for sharing!
This story isn’t about my wife’s pregnancy with our twin girls, but something she was asked when the three of them were out together at the grocery store.
The girls were about six months old and are sororal (fraternal) twins. Looks wise one of the girls favors me and one of them favors her. A woman came up and asked her if she “knew they had different father’s” when she was pregnant with them or if she figured it out after they were born.
That was the most shocking question/comment we’ve received, but almost every one of them on the list we’ve also heard.
Wow Robert, that’s crazy! That definitely would top the list for me too if I heard that!
I dislike when I get told ” oh you’re getting so big” or when I first found out I was having twins I was super excited I always wanted twins but never expected it to happen. Then when I began to share what I’d found out I couldn’t believe how negative people are about it.
@Harley – yes, it is surprising how negative people can be about twins.
Noted, for sure!
Even with single pregnancies, people telling me I was so big, was as bad as so small, and vice versa.
I think the only thing to really say is, “You look great – can I get you a glass of water and a chair??”
@Tamara – that is a great reply!
Love this article-so true. Thank you for capturing the sentiment!
Thanks, Jennifer 🙂