When only one twin is invited to a birthday party

The time will come when only one of your twins is invited to a birthday party. What do you do when only one twin is invited and the other has to stay home?

Keep in mind, as your twins get older, they will have different interests and friends. This is especially true if they’re in different classes at school or at church. They might also meet different friends at one of their extracurricular activities they may be in. It could be dance class, or gymnastics, or baseball, etc.

Remember that each twin is their own person and will have and needs to have their own unique experiences. When one of them gets invited to a birthday party or not, that is one of the unique experiences that they can experience.

Is it a problem?

I don’t view getting one invitation for one twin and not the other as a problem. Regardless of if you have boy/girl twins or same gender twins, your twins will only see it as a problem if you make a big issue out of it. Lead by example by setting the tone for this situation. Talk to your twins. Ask them what they think. Are they even concerned that one was invited and the other was not? If they’re not, great. If they are, it’s an opportunity for you to talk with them about this situation.

Confirm with Birthday Child’s Parent

Sometimes parents of singletons genuinely forget or are confused by twin etiquette. They might assume inviting one implies inviting the other, or they might have accidentally clicked just one name on an e-invite.

If the children are young (under 6) or in the same class, it is acceptable to send one low-pressure text.

For example: “Hi! We received the invite for [Twin A]. We are totally happy to just send him, but I wanted to double-check if the invite was intended for just him or both, as sometimes e-invites are tricky. No pressure at all, just wanted to clarify for planning drop-off!”

Whatever the response, accept it immediately and gracefully.

Birthday Child’s Wishes

Keep in mind that you cannot force the birthday child to invite the other twin. That, of course, is not fair to the one having and hosting the party. Make the most of this situation. It is a teaching moment for your twins. This is one of those life lessons, that they’re not always going to be able to do everything the same, or everything’s not going to always be equal. Teach them that this is the reality of life and that that’s okay.

Coach the Invited Twin

Your invited twin might feel anxiety about leaving their sibling behind.

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Validate their feelings. Tell them, “It is okay to be happy and go have fun without your brother/sister. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”

Coach them on not gloating when they get home. They can share details if asked, but they shouldn’t flaunt the goody bag or talk endlessly about the cake in front of the sibling immediately upon return.

Take Advantage of the Opportunity

When one of the twins goes off to the birthday party, take advantage of that time and that situation to spend one-on-one time with the other twin. Very often we don’t have enough time for one-on-one interactions with each of our twins. And so when one of your twins is invited to a birthday party and the other is not, silently you can celebrate the fact that you’re going to get a little bit of one-on-one time with your child. Enjoy that!

But remember to avoid bringing the non-invited twin to the drop-off if possible. Walking a sibling to the door of a party they can’t enter is often the hardest part (seeing the balloons, the cake, the other kids).

One parent should stay home (or go to a park) with the non-invited twin while the other handles the drop-off. If you are solo, try to arrange a playdate or a “wait in the car with a movie” distraction during the actual drop-off moment.

This topic was originally addressed on the Dad’s Guide to Twins Podcast Episode 79: Your Twins in Public, Terrified of Having Twins, Birthday Invites.